Ecclesiates 2:11 says: "Then I looked on all the works that my hands had done and on the labor which I had toiled; and indeed that was vanity and grasping for the wind. there was no profit under the sun.
What have I done with my life. Is anything worth value. Was it all a chasing after the wind. Meaningless? Looking back over the past couple of years I remember my friends, family, and schooling. Where is God in all of this? I remember the happiest times in my life, not the most fun, rather the happiest.
I'm reflecting back on that time, what has changed why am I empty on the inside. I was the happiest the months leading up to my graduation. when work was easy, like breathing. my family was near and dear to me, proud of me, and a cohesive unit. A time when I had God holding me up. Everything fit.. my friends still enjoyed hanging out, and school was a social melting pot.
I compare that to now where I spend most of my day with the same group of people. Don't get me wrong I love my friends, but every time I walk by someone I've never met, and I throwing away the opportunity to make an amazing life long friend, wife, or better yet giving them their first real friend?
I've said before that I haven't been to church this year, or last year really. I've lost God. I can't find him, that's what I would say, but honestly I haven't been looking. I thought I could handle my own life. this past summer God called me to help others in a foreign land. At first I was pumped about it, but over time I hated the very idea of it. I hated that I would give up my life, the life that I worked hard for some Third world country that would be back in the hole two months after billions of dollars gets pumped into their economy. I couldn't believe that God would want me to throw my life away. Since then I've been living without God. Stupid I know. My youth pastor (an amazing man, I wish you all could meet him) had me over for new years 2011, I feel like he could tell, I felt dirty the whole time I was at his house. when I got back to school I shook off the feeling. got back in the groove and tried to forget about it. then I get this message from my youth pastor. "I love you bro and only want the best for you! You have such potential to make a difference for the Kingdom and I don't want to see you not reach the your highest potential. I hope that you are staying in the word and looking for a Christian community to be involved with. You are meant for greatness! You are more than an average college student, you have Christ living inside of you! Claim it, own it, live it! Love you bro...drop me a line!" I was not going to let this message shake me up, I mean after all he didn't even know what I've been going through. I can't even explain the weight that his message laid on my heart. I read it over and over again. Thank you Tyler.. I owe you everything and more.
I said that I wondered what was missing now 'why is college not the happiest time of my life'. I now know that God is the reason, I can't be full, I can't enjoy life unless God is the reason I make my choices. God has to be my inspiration.
I know it's cliche to use lyrics to describe your feelings, but I don't care. I feel as if these are my feelings.
Lord I want to yearn for You
I want to burn with passion
over You and only You
Lord I want to yearn
I want a passion for the Word and for God.
I ask that if you are reading this, that you take a second and pray for me, pray that I let God take my life for his own. Please pray that I learn more from God daily, and depend on him.
Today I still struggle with control. I'm not fully dependent on Christ. I want that to change. I'm going to depend on God to help give me the opportunity for that to change.
